Ah, Spring!

It is that time of year that is both tantalizing and teasing. One day sun, the next snow, as if Mother can't make up her mind what she wants to do. (Just like a woman, for all you fems out there!) I have the window open right now at 11 PM, and though it is cool I am enjoying the freshness of the slight breeze. Beats hell out of stale cigarette smoke, ya know?

Got news from my ex about another bro biting the dust. I swear to Christ, I will outlive everybody. Steve was a great guy, and we did a lot of partying together when I was going to high school. Steve and family lived up the road from us, and his brothers and I have been fast friends for years. I was ashamed when I found out after he had been planted. i would have gone to his funeral, fer shure.

My back is kicking my ass again, and a lot of it has to do with my slowly failing eyesight. I just bout a new 22" monitor so that I could see things better, but still find myself leaning in on a lot of things. of course, Uncle doesn't feel I need eye surgery yet. Guess I have to go completely blind before the fucker does anything about my shit. I have lost almost all vision in my left eye due to cataracts, and when I close my right eye, it is like looking through an eyeful of Vaseline. Not a pretty sight. Have to expect it, I suppose - my mom and brother have the same shit, and up to the day mom died, she prolly had better vision than most people her age. Glaucoma is insidious, and it can be a real pain in the ass. Tonight we went to Big Boy for huge 1/2 pound burgers, and when I got out of the pickup, I turned to close the door and banged my head on the window. Think I embarrassed a few of the folks standing around with my vocal reaction. Oh, well...

It is getting time to make my annual trip to Anderson. Once the wx gets better, I shall hie my scrawny old ass down there and spend a week or two with my little princess. I truly miss this lovely young lady, and am blessed to have her in my life. Everyone should be so lucky...

Drive on,

Charlie~

:D

I Wish I Could Choose My Relatives

Here it is, the end of March, and the old fucking refrain about "in like a lamb, out like a lion" currently holds true. I walked down to get some smokes and booze a bit ago, and it was half rain, half snow. temp at 32 degrees, and it just can't make up its mind what the fuck it is gonna do. Don't think it gives a shit...

This time of year puts me in deep depression, and I struggle. Man, I wish to fuck my shit was real! I have been spending time lately looking back over my life, and the little things I have done, and am not happy with a lot of it. It is petty shit, like how we used to tease Roger A. in school. He was tall and skinny, and gained the name "Rouge" which was a really comical thing at the time. I remember going to a history class, though, and driving poor old Roger along with the rest, and seeing him blow, slamming his clipboard on a railing so hard that he broke it in two. I thought it very funny then, and now I am ashamed for being so cruel.

I thought about Julie Slone, my first real love. She was an identical twin and in my sisters class. Her twin was named Jolene, and Julienne was the fairest girl a man could ever come across. My sister introduced us, and as a naive school kid, fell for her instantly. She was a southern girl, with a father to match. This redneck fucker would not allow anyone within ten miles of his daughters, and I suppose that had merit. So, we snuck around.

I met Julie at a basketball game one winter's eve, and we sat together at the game, and were very much in love, as young love goes. I can see her shining face to this day - big beautiful blue eyes, long blond hair tied back in a pony tail popular at the time, and a blue ribbon to tie it with. Her sister, Jolene, sat with us, with the same eerily beautiful good looks, and a pink ribbon on her hair to tell the two apart. It was one of those "moments" ya know? Time stands still, you only have eyes for one another, and being in love is the most important thing in your life. I honestly say that this is the first woman I have ever loved. I took her most of the way home, made out with her in the back seat of a '49 Chevy, and had the opportunity to feel her up a bit. She was sweet sixteen, and a well developed, beautiful girl.

Life got in the way. Her father, may he rot in hell, found out about the relationship, and that was the end. Julie was grounded, and I had to sneak around to see her week by week when her friends could hook us up. I remember walking through snow asshole deep to a 10 foot Indian just to spend minutes with her at a pond where a good friend and her were ice skating. I had no winter coat, no boots, and subsisted on love springs eternal. We kissed, and wished for the future. The future, of course, was never to come...

To this day, some 48 years later, I think of Julie. It isn't an everyday thing any more. But the thoughts never cease. I see wintry blue eyes, a crooked smile, and the most beautiful girl I have ever had the opportunity to know. By now, she is probably fat, has a dozen kids, and probably doesn't remember my fucking name. But it is there for me, and it is a memory that lingers.

A good friend once told me that memories are what makes a life. For the Roger's and Julie's of the world, I salute you. I tip a glass of good Canadian Whiskey to those that have shaped my life - good or bad.

Fuck it, don't mean nothin'...

Drive on

Charlie~

A Hint Of Spring

I'm finally seeing a bit of warmth, and let me tell ya, it is kind to these old bones. Today is the first day I have been able to open the window in my studio, and it is great to clear a little of the smoke fumes outta here. Jesus, it is a wonder I have a lung left! I've been a 3 pack a day smoker for so many years that I would prolly OD if I quit. Did that once. It sucked.

My skills in 3D are growing, and I have vtc.com to thank for it. I just don't have the time to learn on my own, even though it is the way I love to learn. I have advanced and been certified through Bryce and Poser, and am now working my way through Lightwave, which is a really tits app. I have all this knowledge now, and I am struggling how to put it to use. I surely don't want to do nothing but glam and pin-up models, because it grows old in a hurry. If I were some kinda pervy, I suppose I would continue in that direction. What really interests me in that direction is making props and clothing for that market, because it is huge. I got into 3D not only for an outlet, but because I see a market, and this is the year I diversify. I love to write, and it pays the bills, but it is an uncertain market, especially now that I no longer have LB for an editor. The peckerhead I have currently doesn't even acknowledge my article submissions, so I haven't a clue as to whether he has received them or not. LB tells me he has a bit of an ego, and I am betting he has short people's disease. Never met the dude, but can imagine.

Anyhoo, I continue to keep on keepin' on. This weather has me almost manic, and my good mood has gone from zero to 60 in a heartbeat. Alas, it is Michigan, and only the ides of March. We are not done with this shit yet. I am of course up and down also from the damnable time change, which screws with my biological clock every year. But I can tell the weather is turning. I am wanting to be outside, and thought about walking down to the White Rose (the kids call it the White Nose - can ya guess why?) and have me a cold Heineken's. I think I could manage to toddle three doors down...

Little Bit goes to the vets tomorrow for her first series of ongoing shots. She is so damn funny. I have a huge tabby named BK, and they have bonded. Funniest thing you ever saw. Here is this little pup that weighs all of three pounds attacking a cat that has to weigh 12 pounds if she weighs an ounce, is 4 times her size, and putting up with Little Bit's shit. So funny...

Drive on,

Charlie~

Spring In The Air?

It was almost decent today. I got an opportunity to sit on the deck in real comfort, and took Little Bit out for some sun. Our "deck" is really our roof, but hey! I have no presumptions about it. It serves me, and that is all that matters. when you have a view of dumpster divers, drunks fighting in the parking lot, and the occasional puking broad, what can ya say? My son has put some shrubs up here, but it just ain't the same without the grass. I am vowing to lay down turf up here and make it a roof garden. I wrote about this for IB a while back and know it can be done. It would suit a tired old man...

Anyway, I had the opportunity to sit for a few minutes in actual warmth. We have a roof that has a silver coating of sorts that reflects the morning sun nicely, and it was a good 70 degrees out of the wind up there. It made me want to go grab a cold Heineken's and celebrate, ya know? Little Bit surely enjoyed it.

I have to go to the VA in BC tomorrow to pick up my meds. I finally cajoled them into allowing me to have what works for me, even if there is a drug conflict with my psychotropics. Fuck that - I could care less as long as I feel good. That, in the final analysis, is where it is at. I don't care what kind of mix they give me, but it sure as hell better work. I got by too many years on pot and alcohol to know that it has to work for me. There is no better demon killer than booze, my friends, and pot allows you to commune with them. Some of them are rather lovely when high.

i am slowly starting to come out of my doldrums now that the weather is better. I should take LB's advice and get me a lamp for the office, and will do so this next season. It is amazing how the weather can affect you. I suppose it could be worse - I could live in Iceland, although I would like that. They still believe in elves. Speaking of elves, if you haven't seen the vid Elvenworld, you are truly missing out.

BTW. I have had a good day - deposited my check in an ever growing bank account, had a plain and simple lunch, and slept for a couple of hours this PM. Now it is back to the grind. Subway for supper, methinks. Wish they had a Quisno's in town!

Drive on,

Charlie~

What A Sorry-Assed Week...

My poor old ass is indeed in deep shit. Seems the VA wants to fuck with my meds again, and now I am totally fucked. Up and down, and up and down, ad nauseum. Jesus H. Christ, when will these asshats stop fucking with me? The ass wipe that claims to be my shrink and wants total control of my fuckin miserable life is giving me shit fits with his "I know what's best for you" shit, and the fucker don't even live inside my head! Can you tell I am pissed?

Last night I got zero sleep, which is the one thing that keeps me stable. Fine. I go to the VA clinic today to pick up a much needed script. Gee, old man, we forgot to tell ya! The doctor has the fucking day off! Sorry about your luck! Didn't he tell ya when you talked to him on Friday? (Fuck, no!) So, here I am, damn near comatose, being asked to drive 75 miles to pick up a fucking script that I finally managed to weasel out of them. And I can barely walk to the pickup. I went home, and Rosie told me she would take me to BC, but hey! Can't be until Wednesday!

So, I sit here at midnight with a little glass of Captain's and contemplate my navel. Serves me right to suffer...

Fuck it, don't mean nothin'...

Charlie~

Pain Is My Friend...

and I learn to live with this amusing beast. It amazes me how I can go to bed one night, and waken the next morning with such a backache that I can barely get out of bed. I have this terrible habit of sitting on my left leg, and am sure it has something to do with it, especially when I sit leaned into the monitor for hours on end. it is a habit I cannot seem to break, and for the life of me, I don't know why I can't. I am currently working on an intense project, and even though I have a 22" monitor, I need all the real estate I can get for it. I am usually very self disciplined, when it comes to things that affect me physically. Now I am sitting here, cruising on Vicodin and Tramadol, sucking down Canadian whiskey, and wondering WTF?

I have a love-hate relationship with my old pal pain. I have endured more pain in my lifetime than most people have in 20. Believe me when i say you can never learn to "live with it", as some asshat doctors have told me. Fuck that! I don't have to, and refuse to do so. I will take a myriad of drugs until almost incoherent, drink whiskey like there is no tomorrow, before I will admit that pain is good for you. The asshole that said "no pain, no gain" was a fuckin' masochist. Prolly had a closet full of whips and chains and rubber balls to stick in his old lady's mouth, dumb fuck. But that is another story altogether...

My Rosie told me tonight that I endure pain better than anyone she knows. I guess the point is that I have no choice, and pissing out my eyes is not gonna make it go away. I know that the weather here will get cold and rainy soon, and abhor the thought. I go through this every year, and it never gets better. I ofttimes wonder if I weren't an axe murderer in one of my other lives. Now, I fear, I am getting paid back. And so it goes...

Fuck it, don't mean nothin' - drive on!

Charlie~

Livin' In a 3D World

I have taken an interest in 3D, and find very quickly that the mechanics are tough, and end results are sometimes - sometimes - worth while. I have been taking classes on VTC.com, studying Bryce, Poser, and Lightwave, and find it has enough challenge to suit me. If it has no challenge, then fuck it, ain't worth my time. It is that way with everything in my life, and I wish it so.

Now, I find that many people that work in 3D are a bunch of fuckin' perverts. You oughtha see some of the work out there by hobbyists. You see a beautiful, scantily clad woman with the face of a 5 year old, and a body like Carol Doda (gotcha!), right down to the Brazilian wax job. Pierced pussy, anyone?

It sucks, ya know. You gotta be a real voyeur to look at some of this stuff. A lot of it is amazingly good, and a lot of it just shows T&A. Which does little for a 64 year old that takes too much blood pressure medicine. Know what I mean? But I find meaningful work in Bryce doing scenery, and am getting there, methinks. Nothing award winning yet, but I have come far since the first of the year. Hey! Even know what a Z axis is now!

So it goes. I think that working in 3D helps feed a lot of these losers' fantasies of the woman they would like and can't have. Working with morphs and magnets in 3D is interesting work, but ya only end up with a chick with big tits and the longest legs a woman could ever have. So, I will concentrate on inorganic things, thank you very much...

Little Bit is growing - you can see it in her every day. She is so much fun, and I laugh at her all the time with her antics. She hasn't a name yet, but she is getting close to earning one. Finally broke down and bought some batteries for the digital, so I can display a few images of her online on one blog or another. Puppy pix are soooo cute.

Sara continues to struggle. Hope she is not taking writing next semester. I hate to say it, but some things this girl is clueless about. Her hubby Nick says she spends too much time sitting around being pretty. I rather agree. She is a sight to see, but with beauty must come intelligence, so all is naught. Too bad, so sad. She has other very redeeming values, so not to worry.

Duty calls. Need to write. I'm a bit behind with the new addition in the house. She is beginning to settle in, though, and is picking up my routines. Good - or bad?

Drive on,

Charlie~

:D